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Suicide Solution

I have an addictive personality. If I find something I like, I become consumed by it. Like when Chic fi-La came out with chicken salad sandwiches. I ate at least 2 a day, every day for weeks. Now I can’t stand to look at one without getting nauseated.

I know without a doubt I would be a compulsive gambler if I ever took the first step, so I don’t.
Same thing with drugs…if I didn’t have a health condition….and it wasn’t illegal, I feel I would take that first step and never look back.

One thing that IS legal, and everywhere, is alcohol. The temptations growing up in a town where there was nothing to do but:  

A: have sex
B: get drunk and or high
C: stay at home and watch TV with your parents

….were pretty serious.

But let’s be honest, I only had control over 2 of those options….

What path did I choose?

I hung out with my friends while they got drunk, or stayed at home with my parents because I knew early on that high school acquaintances and appearances were disposable. I abstained not for any moral reason, but because I had CF related liver disease, and there was talk of transplant when I was in middle school.

Years passed, and eventually I drank a beer in my 20's after my liver function stabilized and actually improved to normal. I immediately felt guilty, and admittedly retarded. But I liked it. I liked it a lot.

But as much as it hit a magical chord in my soul like a sledgehammer, I retained self-control. Not because I wanted to, but because I realized that maybe by some ironic quirk in the universe, CF managed to keep me from self-destruction. I truly feel like if it wasn’t for the liver disease, I would be in AA like a revolving door.

I’ve only been punch me in the face drunk once, in a night of raucous debauchery that is worthy of at least 2 profane country songs. That led to my first and only hangover, but it was then that I realized I was one of the chosen few who could drink like crazy and not throw up. Just water and sleep turned me around. This only furthers my belief that I would have gone down a very bad road, had it not been for that pesky liver disease.

I only drink the occasional beer, even less than I did when I was younger. My thought process is that my care has cost insurers tens millions of dollars over my lifetime. Why am I going to SPEND MORE MONEY on a poison that could jeopardize it? I see others doing shots or drinking constantly and cringe. Transplant committees have a hard enough time deciding who gets to live. People shouldn’t risk their image to the true gatekeepers of life for a few cool social media pics to impress people they’ve never met.  Even if a CF patient doesn’t have liver disease, alcohol is a diuretic that dehydrates our lungs to sandpaper.  Even now, after one beer, the next day I feel congested, and I regret it.

It’s your life. Abuse it wisely.


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